Drowning
by GeishaKitten
Summary: Tomoe feels like giving it all up. Can she find hope, or will she drown in her misery.


Well hullo, I've always wanted to do a Kenshin fic, but there's already like ten million Kenshin/Kaoru fics floating around, so I wanted to be a little different. Tomoe's always been a pretty misunderstood and sometimes hated character, so this short story is just an attempt at getting in her head and trying to understand her motives or whatever. I'm still a bit of a fanfic virgin, so PLEASE do not flame me or be cruel if this completely SUCKS!

Do I really need to put some kind of disclaimer? I mean just about everybody knows that Nobuhiro Watsuki created Kenshin and not some gaijin wannabe mangaka chick. So with no further interruptions, I present to you, Drowning.

"Oh, ouch!", Tomoe uttered, clutching her bleeding hand to her chest. Lately, even something as simple as chopping fish for dinner seemed absolutely impossible to concentrate on for her. The tranquil beauty of her rustic surroundings seemed mocking and threatening to her as she contemplated the frightening thoughts within her mind. Blood. She'd already seen barrels more than she had ever expected to see in her lifetime. The knife in her hand seemed to shimmer invitingly as a shining escape from the horrors of reality and the cares of the world, so that she had to look away. She sighed. What would Kenshin think if he were to come home from his "work" (as an apocathery, ironically) to find her still and bleeding on the floor of their home, she wondered. Would she be just another corpse among the countless numbers he'd seen? Would he miss her or think of her? It frightened Tomoe that his thoughts and feelings mattered so much to her. After all, he was a murdurer, a pitiless butcher who had brutally snatched away the lives of her beloved fiance, Kyosato Akira,and so many others. At least, that was how she had thought of him, before she'd met him.

The glistening light of the moon on her face kept Tomoe wide awake later that night, staring at Kenshin's sleeping form across from her. What could he be dreaming about, she thought as she watched him. His face had a childlike frightened expression and he seemed to be mumbling to himself. A part of her was fiercely tempted to to comfort him in her arms and soothe him with her voice as she used to with her own little brother, Enishi, and to stay beside him through the night. But she could never, ever be so rash. She was nearly breathless as she softly rolled off the futon and silently fled from the house. She couldn't stay another minute in that little room. She quickly made her way outdoors, free, but not unafraid. This feeling, she thought, is like being drowned to death. I'm struggling, swimming away, and gasping for every breath, but really I can do nothing at all. The warmth and stillness of the night gave her a small measure of peace. She walked in a near trancelike state to a small lake. It was so mesmerizing in the darkness that she was struck by a deep desire to jump in, despite the fact that her long, heavy mass of black hair and nightclothes would weigh her down to the bottom of the lake where she would die in deepest

solitude. Perhaps, she thought with sudden longing, her late mother and Akira would be there

to greet her in the purple clouds and golden skies of Amida Buddha's paradise. With a childish

eagerness at that thought, she placed a foot in the water, but the sudden chill brought her back to her senses. A blazing hell was where she would go for dishonoring her dear fiancé's memory by

cherishing compassion for his killer. She desperately needed to put aside that compassion. One's duty always came before their emotions. She'd been taught that since birth, and she was

convinced that avenging her fiancé's death was her deepest duty. Kenshin deserved to be destroyed! "Tomoe?" She turned at the sound of her name and was so panicked and startled

to see Kenshin that she tripped right into the icy lake. The scene that she had imagined so fondly and poetically just a moment before was rapidly turning into a horrifying reality. She was totally surrounded by coldness, as well as an almost sacred silence. Maybe it was a fitting way to die for a woman who'd lived for silence and serenity, before they were both so painfully snatched away from her by the same young man whose strong arms wrapped away from her at that very moment; excruciatingly tight and close, ready to carry her up to safety. Tomoe was deeply puzzled by his caring nature, and felt as if she were drowning in more ways than one. We should stay here forever, Kenshin, she thought as her breath drifted away. Here, where no one can ever bother us, she reflected as darkness claimed her.

Tomoe awoke coughing and shivering on the floor of their home in a very disheveled state. And in Kenshin's arms. He was an assassin, trained to notice even the slightest movements of an opponent. Of course he would've noticed me leaving, Tomoe thought, feeling sullen and ashamed. Looking around, she was reminded of the night that she and Kenshin had first met. She had witnessed him skillfully slaughter someone, and the blood from that killing had left her nearly as soaking wet as she was now. Kenshin had carried her to safety that night also, shockingly. She had been overwhelmed, not only from the blood, but from the fact that she had never once imagined that her fiance's dreaded killer would be such a young and sad looking man; barely older than her own younger brother. Tomoe reminisced about how one day at her old home, a maid had been watching overEnishi and some other, younger children. They had started to become rowdy and uncontrollable, as children often were. "You stop right this instant," the maid had yelled," before the battousai comes and slices your heads right off your naughty little bodies!" The children had quickly calmed down after that. It almost made Tomoe smile to imagine that the wicked, bloodlusting demon of hers and the children'snightmares and fantasies was a sensitiveyouth not even older than herself. She glanced up into his dark eyes. She'd never been held so closely by someone before. It was oddly comforting at first, but it was starting to feel unsettling. His steady heartbeat on her head seemed unbearably loud in the akward silence. "Can you please put me down now," she whispered. He stared hard at her with his sincere and trusting eyes, making her feel as if she were drowning all over again. "I don't know exactlywhat it is that makes you sad, Tomoe, or what makes you want to die," he said with deep concern in his voice. "But I can understand because I don't care much for living either. But now," he said, shyly looking down, "now there's youand it's different, so please don't go. I, I want you to be happy." "Please forgive my foolishness," Tomoe said with her head down, eyes tearing up. She wondered how she ever became so weak willed.

A few nights later, Tomoe stood over the futon where Kenshin lay sleeping, her face firm with resolve. She was going to put aside her growingfeelings for him no matter what the cost. How could she be so fickle and disloyal after all that her and Akira had shared. Earlier that day, she and Kenshin had drunken a little too much sake during a festival. She was feeling a raging headache as a result, but Kenshin slept like a kitten in the sun. She stared like one possesed at the dancing flame coming from an oil lamp, and was filled with a desire to burn everything. She took a sudden guilty glance at Kenshin and knew that she could never, ever harm him with her own hands. So, she thought bitterly, I'll let the flames take us both! She imagined the tall, burning flames and stinging smoke completely consuming their little home with an eerie sense of foreboding. As she reached out for the flame, a crushing weight hit her heart when she remembered how he'd rescued her from the chill of the lake and from her own misery. Who will save him from the the fire, she wondered. Who's going to save him from hell? With those thoughts filling her mind, she turned around and went to lie beside him.

"Ouch,no!" Tomoe shrieked in pain as she managed to onceagain cut herself preparing a meal. The blood ran down her hand in a soft trickle. This time, however, Kenshin was there. He quickly took her hand in his and had it cleaned and bandaged. Tomoe felt like a clumsy fool. " I, I'm very sorry,"she stuttered in a barely audible voice, but Kenshin just brought her hand to his face and softly pressed his lips to it. At that moment, she felt as if nothing else existed, no sorrow, nodeath or pain, just his mouth on her skin. "Such a sensitive girl as you shouldn't be using such sharp things,"he teased. "Don't worry. I will finish cooking for you." "But, but that's a woman's job," Tomoe protested, but he'd already started anyway. She sat and watched him. The ghost of a smile came briefly upon her face as she reflected to herself. I'm no longer swimming against the raging current of my love for you, Kenshin, she thought. I've already drowned.

Well, there's the end of it. It's longer than I thought it would be. I hope it was good. Email me any suggestions. No flaming please. I'm a Kaoru fan too.


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